Illusions of Intimacy in BDSM

I have been exploring intimacy a lot lately. A lot of my personal journey has been creating deeper levels of intimacy with my play partners and also between them. It has been an interesting period of my life with a lot more examination of my kink and relationship to the leather community out there than usual. This has caused me to look at some things about intimacy in general in the BDSM world.

In a lot of respects intimacy has been stood on its head in the leather community. Quite often we meet people and learn their names, or the sounds of their voices in normal conversation (as opposed to screaming for "more") after we have seen them naked, bleeding and tied upside down at a party. If not that, we read all about their sexual practices and preferences in some internet forum before meeting them. If we go on a date or answer a personal ad, it is only after we know whether the person rates water sports a 1 or a 5. We constantly filter everyone we meet in a leather context by what they do in play before any other measure. Politics, integrity, personality are all secondary characteristics to whether they use single tails or hemp rope. I have really begun to question this as possibly our cultures fatal flaw.

Consider this as opposed to anyone you know outside of leather. Most likely if you are intimate at all with them you discovered them slowly over time and the last thing they revealed to you was anything about their sexuality. In every other aspect of our lives we filter people with a completely different net. At work we never hire, fire or promote based upon play style or what someone does in their bedroom (or at least we shouldn't). The first thing you did with them was build trust. You got to know them and found out things about their politics, integrity and honor, before you revealed things about yourself, especially your sexuality.

I see the effects of this in new relationships all of the time. People dive into relationships in the BDSM community with such immediate intensity. 3-6 months later they are posting the same old "he/she done me wrong" song. Why is it that all of these commitments were made, proclaimed in public and then abandoned when someone's true colors or personality comes out. What causes these people to be blinded over and over again, in relationship after relationship. I really think its the false intimacy brought on by almost immediate knowledge about the other persons sex life. We fool ourselves into thinking we know someone because we have this intimacy usually reserved for long time partners in most other walks of life. Successfully fulfilling a sexual fantasy with a near stranger makes us feel temporarily close to them. Or possibly we assume we must be close to have just gone through that great experience with them. But soon life events test our relationship and the wheels all too often come off. Some major need we may require in a partner during a financial crisis is not there. Or suddenly a value test happens and one partners fails it in the eyes of another. Or possibly something that has been going on all along suddenly comes to light.

In some cases I think we are actually addicted to this false sudden intimacy that results from meeting someone and playing right away. It becomes a substitute for real intimacy. The kind where someone knows your faults, has seen your warts and failings and still cares about you. Instead we hold all of that back and strive for this approximation that gives us the immediate endorphins we crave. We trust each other with this aspect of our sexuality that we wear on our sleeves. When we talk about BDSM to people outside our world we always stress this amazing trust and they validate it as something they would really have to trust to do. Is it really trust to give this sexual part of ourselves to someone who barely knows us in all honesty. If I really trust someone I should let them see the bad side, my failings and faults. There is the real risk, the risk of rejection. The risk that someone may say "ooh, ick". I guess each of us suffered under that about our kink at one time.

This is not to say I am against casual play. In fact I am all for it. I am just working real hard on calling it what it is. There are some times when casual play is what I need and want. There are scenes I want to do which require a stranger. I guess I just need to stop assuming that any real intimacy happened.

This happens not only in our love relationships but in our friendships also. Who we take time to socialize with or play in front of is determined primarily by play style. All too often we are members of the "xyz group" because their play style best matches ours. Not because they exhibit the same values about life that we do. Consequently these friendships are strained when other matters besides play start peeking in the door. The first place this shows up is when we watch our "friends" start breaking up. I really believe everyone has moments during a breakup that they are not proud of. If you are able to leave a relationship and not say or do anything you regret, it was probably a very casual affair. But we each also have things we consider "just not done". The things that are outside of acceptable that we would not ever want to be associated with. I have watched acquaintance after acquaintance do things in a break up that I consider in this realm. In retrospect these have all been people who I have only really known through their play style. Play style or technical ability is no indicator of honor or integrity. Along with a common kink, we should also pick our friends and social groups based upon whether we share other values as well.

The solution for me lies somewhat in a couple of directions the first being tolerance. The second being more wary and setting better boundaries when I first meet people.

On the tolerance front I need to explore and experience a wider variety of play styles, orientations and kinks. I simply need to broaden my horizons. In one example I can see in my life I know a person in the community whose play style is like fingernails on a chalk board to me. I have avoided a friendship based upon that. But, as I write I know this person has a lot of the values in life that I admire. He also has a commitment to those values and principles that I would hope would rub off on me. I am a firm believer of gaining some of your integrity by association. If your peers model the behavior you desire in yourself it will be easier for you to do so also. The tougher road is holding to a value when everyone around you does the opposite. So. I have to recognize that this is the type of person I want to be around and get over my irritation with his play. Maybe I will learn to appreciate it. Every time I have been placed in a situation outside of my normal comfort zone I have learned something new and expanded my kink. I need to couple that with seeking people I respect and possibly my play will benefit also.

Establishing better boundaries is hard for me. I am always putting myself in a position of welcoming new people to BDSM. And I continue to want to do that. There is no disputing that this is a unique time for leather. Hordes of people are coming out to events. I am a founder and sit on the Board of Directors of a large club and play facility, The Wetspot and it has grown so large that even when I was the organizations President I was asked for ID at the door more than once. Every week for the last 3 years we have consistently signed up 20-40 new members. That is great for the organization and its diversity, but it means I must create my own social circle and not rely on membership in that club to filter for me. The growth of BDSM has made this task harder and taken away my ability to rely on the rest of the community to do this for me. I have to slow down and get to know people. In some sense it is lesson learned from Gay Leather culture before the '80s. In all accounts I hear from those who were there, people watched you before they let you in. I need to become aware of being watched, but more than that I need to become a watcher. I need to observe people more closely before I let them in to close.

In my personal relationships I need to be more patient. In the past I always treated a play opportunity that I desired as this risky thing I might lose. I was loathe to slow the process down and take the time to build intimacy correctly. I really feel now that the intimacy I desire takes work and time. I guess its time for the sex organ between my ears to take over for a while. My long term relationships need to be less accidental and a bit more calculated. That does not mean fate will not have a hand in my life, but I must work harder at directing fate according to what I want in the big picture of my life. I need to build relationships and their D/s aspects slowly on solid foundations rather than on impulses and lust.

Some have suggested that I adopt an "Old Guard" model for my kink. But in reality that is a cultural model for gay leather men. They had real specific barriers to fulfilling their sexuality and lifestyles that I have never faced. I on the other hand face my own. I may borrow some of the trapping of gay leather culture but I am foremost a hetboy. The models I come up with for my life have to be about my successes, failures and challenges. I suppose I will also borrow some from the swing community and the polyamorous community as well. But in the end what I come up with has to work for me and mine. I am looking forward to the journey.