The Betty Pages sprung out of some conversations Betty Desire a local drag queen and I were having in a gay bar. These editorials may be out of context now and were written for a local audience in the Bellingham area. but I am sure readers everywhere can make some sense of parts of them.

Swinging in the Real World

December 2005

When you mention swinging in this day and age, an image of Austin Powers jumps into many minds. Some completely randy, over dressed fop who hits on anything that moves. While I may not be a swinger, I have touched many of the fringes of that community, and have quite a few friends I would consider full fledged members of the swinging community. The stereotypes are the farthest from the truth.

The reality is that if you cast a net in a shopping mall and caught the closest 100 people over 18 that is what the swinging community looks like. Incredibly normal people who participate in events and functions that spice up their sex lives. But other than that no different than anyone else in america. Unlike gay or lesbian couples swingers can travel under societies daily radar. If you meet a gay couple, a certain portion of your first impression is defined by the knowledge that they are obviously in a homosexual relationship. If you meet a couple into swinging at the hardware store more than likely that fact that they are looking for a new dimmer switch is the only clue you get about their sexuality. They just plain do not stand out in any way that belies anything about their sexuality. Swingers get to be swingers only when they want to be. They have incredible control about when and how they are out.

Often after the Austin Powers stereotypes you get the Hollywood comedy image of people who have completely indiscriminate sex with anyone, or revolving door relationships. In my experiences the swingers I have met are actually quite choosy. While they may have multiple sexual partners and more sex than the average person, its not random. In fact much of what they do is a very calculated method of selecting people who will be compatible with them. Most swingers are in a long term relationship with their partner and the rules of that relationship determine how and when they play with others. The swingers I know of come from every vocation and walk of life. They ascribe to almost very creed, religion and family status you can imagine. As I age, many conversations I have with swinger friends start out with pictures of grandkids.

Swinging can satisfy or be the result of many types of sexual fantasies. It can be a yen for pure exhibitionism or voyeurism, a partner of the same sex, for multiple sex partners at once, or for watching your partner with someone else. Each of these fantasies determines what will work for you and yours in this world.

There are two ways to participate in swinging, as part of a couple, or as a single person. If you are in a couple the first big step is to get in communication with your partner. Work out as many bugs as you can in advance and when you work out a rule honor it. What will you let your partner do, what do you want your partner to do, and what is important that you be allowed to do? Speak up and be as clear as you can be in advance. Once you are in a situation if something bothers you speak up right away. Let your partner trust that you will not blame them if something does not go right, but rather voice your concerns rationally. A lot of things we lust after or our partners lust after may work better in theory than in practice so speak up and listen.

Define your safer sex limits. Everyone should have some, and defining them before your libido takes over is the best policy. Then once you have them defined stick to them. No matter how hot, healthy he/she is, stay consistent.

Once you have your limits set the next part is finding a single person, couple or group to swing with. Once again be really clear about what you want. Swinging can range from same room dirty dancing and heavy petting to having your partner spend a weekend with someone else. People you will meet will be all over this continuum. Be prepared to listen as well as speak your own mind. Many couples insist that both partners always be involved in some way. The problem is that one may be attracted to someone while the other is not. Set clear rules about what will happen in this situation. The problem increases mathematically when you have two couples sizing each other up.

There are lots of good resources for finding partners, The NW has many good swinger organizations and the web has some very good sites for finding partners too. A good place to start is with sexuality.org. Websites like Adult Friend Finder have spawned meet and greets in every locailty, I know of two montlhy meetings in Whatcom County. No matter how you go about it, clear up font communication is key to a successful encounter. This means owning your desires in advance. Be honest with yourself first, then your partner and then the objects of your lust.

For singles the above advice all applies but the dynamic adds one or two more dimensions. Many single people in the swinging scene find they are treated or feel like a marital aid. Couples treat them as something to spice up their sex life but expect them to stay out of their relationship. This may or may not be fulfilling to you so be aware of your own needs too.

A big issue for singles in swinging is bisexuality. Many otherwise heterosexual couples are looking for one gender or another to satisfy the bisexuality of one partner or another. Presently this is more accepted for women than men. However more and more male swingers are coming out as bi and more events are accepting male on male sex as well. Fading are the days when only the women were bi if the men were watching. However bisexuality is not a requirement for swinging, as long as you are clear about your limits.

One last thing to remember is to keep the drama at home. Long term success in this community means your reputation should be one people can depend on not to create instability. If you hit a rough spot, politely leave and work things out with your partner. Stay sober and make your decisions in a clear environment.

Swinging is a great way for people to expand their sex lives. It rarely looks like the Hollywood stereotypes and done right can be a safe way to spice up your love life or relationship. Just remember to play safe.