The Betty Pages sprung out of some conversations Betty Desire a local drag queen and I were having in a gay bar. These editorials may be out of context now and were written for a local audience in the Bellingham area. but I am sure readers everywhere can make some sense of parts of them.

The Oxymoron of the Ethical Slut

February 2005

I was recently preparing for a lecture I was invited to give at Western and came across my copy of the Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt. It is a book about the ethics of Polyamory. but I was struck by the title for some reason. It is a book many of my friends bandy about and its has sort of become a brand name with no meaning other than that book by Dossie and Catherine. Suddenly in preparing I was struck by the meaning of those words themselves and how they looked and must look to someone entirely new to the concept.

The first word "ethical" defined by Merriam Webster as "of or relating to ethics, involving or expressing moral approval or disapproval, conforming to accepted professional standards of conduct". This definition implies a lot of contrast to the word slut "a slovenly woman, a promiscuous woman, especially a prostitute, a saucy girl". I really sat thee enjoying the power of just the words in this title. At first blush they do not even belong in the same paragraph let alone a book title together. One implies the problem of being the other.

The reality is they really matter to our society today and the changes it is going through. Whether or not you are considering Polyamory as a lifestyle or not, the words Ethical Slut bear some examination. No matter who you are the way you look at and view your sexuality is being pushed and prodded towards change. It is just one of those very painful, joyous and difficult things about this age. As a society we are changing. Especially in the area of sex.

With this change comes an inevitable breakdown of the rules we live by. The unwritten and sometimes written rules we have about sex in our society. When is it right to do what to whom. We have laws about it, some which make sense and always will, but others that definitely needed to be tossed out. I never want to make an argument that rape laws should be repealed, but I am really happy that the sodomy laws in the U.S. have been done away with.

The old ethics and almost unwritten rules around sex are changing too. Some should probably stay, but others are going by the wayside and need to be rewritten or replaced. The idea just sitting in the book title "Ethical Slut" gives you a clue about writing your own rules and codes of conduct for your behavior after the old rules are gone.

As an example take a one night stand. When I was younger and less mature the way I made a one night stand work was with a wrong number, a lack of a phopne call or letting the answering machine screen my calls until the other party was mad, hurt or disgusted enough to give up. Then someone "enlightened" me abruptly that maybe that was a little bit less than polite. Not that a one night stand was wrong but that my method of ensuring it was really a one night stand was wrong. I started with forthrightness after the fact. But soon found myself announcing a one night stand in advance. Letting the other party know exactly what i was there for so their participation was completely voluntary and with awareness of my complete intent.

There is the difference between being an ethical slut or not. One path leads people to judge the one night stand as wrong. Every time they have one, someone gets hurt so it must be bad. The ethical way gives every party a chance to decide if its really for them, greatly diminishing the chances of hurt feelings and bruised pride after the fact. Now this is not a panacea. Human beings are still involved and communication between them is never perfect.

Every aspect of our sexuality is like this. And every person is going to be abit different about how they would like to go about it. My advice is to look hard at your sexuality, the sex life you're driven to and decide what rules you're going to use to get there responsibly and with love. Make your rules your own and live by them intentionally.