The Betty Pages sprung out of some conversations Betty Desire a local drag queen and I were having in a gay bar. These editorials may be out of context now and were written for a local audience in the Bellingham area. but I am sure readers everywhere can make some sense of parts of them.

Staring, Gawking and Looking Away

November 2004

I recently had an opportunity to do some innovative sexual play with someone involving a wheel chair, some electro-stimulation devices called tens units, mummification and sensory deprivation. A whole lot of this play ended up being done in public. No one else knew what we were doing in fact all they saw was a body all bundled up against the cold, reclined in a wheelchair being pushed by yours truly. One of the things that struck me while doing this was the way people reacted when they did not understand what they were seeing. Almost everyone, where ever we went they stared, pointedly looked away, stopped talking or just plain gawked as we past them on the streets.

I have seen people stare like that my whole adult life whenever I was doing something that did not fit into the mainstream norm. I have been in the company of or been someone who has not dressed the way everyone did. I have spent time with many people who expressed affection across gender boundaries that were not accepted by the mainstream. I have spent time expressing affection that obviously was not monogamous in public. Often I have been irritated by other people reactions. In fact a few times it has really pissed me off. I have always written those starers off as less enlightened. Sort of less educated folks that I should pity for their lack of understanding that my way was the better happier way.

But something came up that changed my viewpoint while pushing the wheelchair. Suddenly I was walking by some of the folks I thought were the enlightened ones. They too were staring at me now. In fact none of them even really saw me. They stared at a dust mask and the dark glasses peeking out of the blankets. They stared at a body reclined in a chair with the feet strapped into the foot rests. They didn't see me. I rarely walk across downtown these days with out some person or other saying hi to me. But on this day many acquaintances passed me by staring right at us, but not seeing me.

If I was walking with my two partners and they saw me with two women who were both holding hands many of these folks would have just walked by or nodded a hi to me. Two women showing sexual affection for each other was something that fit into their world view. If I was wearing clothes that didn't fit into mainstream fashion they would not have looked twice either. Bellingham has always had its share of folks who dressed to a different drummer. But here was something they did not understand, and to some point feared. And they stared. Stared so hard they couldn't even recognize me.

When I thought about this I realized that everyone of us has something we will see that we either don't understand or fear so much our thought process freezes. We lose our ability to mask our emotions or if not that the ability to tune things out as they pass by. I guess I will have to have a little understanding next time someone stares at me for other reasons. I am sure I must do it too. Until now I was sure I did not, but no doubt something must catch my eye or grab my attention so much that I cannot help but be frozen into looking too long.

The next time someone stares at me I'll have to do something about it. The ideal goal would be for them to leave feeling so comfortable that the next time they don't bother to stare. But how will I accomplish such a feat. I am really not sure yet what will work to this end, but I have a plan. I think I will let my own defenses down. The defenses that naturally assume that they are going to reject me. I will approach them with a smile and in matter of fact way say hi. treat the entire situation as though it was so ordinary that they couldn't possibly ever be afraid. That they would have no reason to be defensive or shocked by me.

Maybe it will work, I'd like it if you could try it with me. The next time you realize someone is noticing the affection you hold for someone of the same gender, or the style of your clothes or anything else about you that puts them on the defensive, just smile and say hi. Acting as if this was the most natural thing in the world and why wouldn't they accept it. Act as if the assumption that they will accept it is a forgone conclusion and maybe it will come true.