The Betty Pages sprung out of some conversations Betty Desire a local drag queen and I were having in a gay bar. These editorials may be out of context now and were written for a local audience in the Bellingham area. but I am sure readers everywhere can make some sense of parts of them.
Finding your Fantasies
August 2004
Last month I wrote about finding the limits of your sexuality, exercising the brakes, the things that define how far you will go in any direction. As a sequel to that article I would like to discuss your fantasies. Like your limits your fantasies define your sexuality, but in an opposite direction. You can think of your fantasies as the fuel that drives your sexuality.
When anyone, and I mean anyone as we all should have to answer this question, thinks back to the time they first knew they were "__________" they usually harken back to a prepubescent fantasy. Some thing that stirred a sexual emotion in them, a fantasy. It might well have been stirred or stimulated by noticing a particular person or body part in a new way. It might have been a game they were playing as children, that suddenly turned sexual. Whatever it was, for most of us our first sexual experience was a fantasy.
As we mature our fantasies become richer and more complex. Our sexuality grows. Quite often we seek out certain types of erotica, porn, either written or visual to augment our fantasies. Now comes the chicken or the egg part, the porn you consume starts to be woven into your fantasies, your fantasies drive you to seek certain types of porn. All during your life your sexuality has the capacity to grow. Your experiences are added in bringing fuel to your imagination and adding textures of sights smells and other senses to our imagination. Most of the media we consume for entertainment is fueling our sexual fantasies in some way. If you look at what a media rich society we are, thats a lot of gas.
Your fantasies do not have to be acted out to the letter. Many of the things we imagine are just not feasible, may not fit our morals, or may be too dangerous. But, most of the people I have come across who are very frustrated sexually have repressed or denied themselves permission to express some fantasy. You have to find an outlet for these emotions to remain healthy about your sexuality. It is an important part of continuing to grow. If you look hard at modern advertising it plays on your repressed or unfulfilled fantasies about sex, trying to associate your desire for sex with some other product. Fulfill your fantasies and you will be less of a sucker for new cars, cigarettes and brands of alcohol.
Some parts of your fantasy life are integral to your sex life forever, such as your orientation. Others may wax and wane over time if dealt with in a healthy way such as a desire for anonymous sex. Some may be experiences you only want or need to have once such as copulating while skydiving. Once in a while a fantasy that drives you crazy can fall kind of flat in reality and suddenly you just have to move on. For some fantasies the devil is in the details. If something is not quite right the rest may as well not be too. A lot of fetishes are this way, and the details can be very specific.
As you explore your fantasies no matter how out there they might be, you are not the only one. That is the blessing of the internet, we can now anonymously and privately find folks who think the darkest things just like us. We no longer have to believe we are the only one. We can also find the yin to our yang. The person who compliments our fantasies. This is important if your fantasy requires some sort of polar opposite. There is a chat room or message board out there for anything you can realistically call a fantasy. In my day job I have read many of them.
You may have fantasies that are outside of your own moral code or even illegal in our society. Whatever you do be sure that acting out your fantasies is not causing harm to yourself or others. By harm I mane unwanted consequences or nonconsensual acts. If that is the case revisit your limits and try to find ways to fulfill that fantasy within them. You may have a fantasy of risky sex with complete strangers, when in fact a reasonable way to act this out is to role play the same thing with a lover who you trust. Depending upon your creativity and imagination you may get everything you wanted with out the risk. The only risk is exposing your desires to someone you care about.
I teach a class on negotiating for sex and BDSM. It covers steps to getting what you want in new relationships and during a long term relationship. One of the first steps is recognizing your fantasies and boiling them down into something that can be accomplished. The next is really the tough one for most people and relationships. Putting it out there. Letting someone know about a very private part of you. So much of our comedy involves ridiculing anyone who is different that any fantasy we have puts us at risk of being laughed at. Putting it out there is easy on an anonymous personal ad site, but sooner or later you have to have coffee with someone who has read about your particular bend. More than likely they are just as bent and will never laugh at you with out your permission. But what about those of us already in relationships. How do you tell your partner about a desire to wear something out of the ordinary, or play out some dark role in a sexual way. You risk a lot in these cases. The healthy relationship finds a way to let you both feel fulfilled. But rarely do healthy relationships exist. If your partner comes to you with a fantasy do your best, find a way, make it happen. Treat them with the same respect you want. Honor the courage and trust they have in you to let you know them this well. That way when you come to them with yours you can expect the same in return.
Your fantasies and your limits work hand in hand in creating a healthy fulfilled sex life for yourself. So as long as you know your limits do not be afraid to press down on the gas pedal now and again. As some one wiser said "this is not a dress rehearsal this is your life".